“Have you not read . . . ?”: Listening to Jesus when Love Gets Broken ~ Matthew 19:3-12

It may have been the worse day of my life. I woke up and got ready for work – a teaching assistant at UCSB – determined to do what up until that point I had been incapable of doing – taking off my wedding ring. It had been about 18 mos. since my wife at told me that she didn’t love me anymore and then slowly drifted away while I hunkered down in my own misery telling few friends and trying to be present to our 6 year old son. I remember staring at my hand feeling like the ring’s removal was the same as cutting my finger off and I wept as I tugged at it and put it away. So I steeled myself for the day, rode off to the History Department where I was to pick up some materials from the secretary – a delightfully chatty young guy named Mike, who was very helpful and friendly. I arrived at the office, grabbed my items, and spent a few moments talking with him about his new son, when Mike quickly chided, “What kind of married man doesn’t wear his wedding ring?” His words hit me with a force that I can still feel to this day. I quickly excused myself – sobbing as I ran out into the fresh air as everything seemed to go topsy-turvy. How could this happen? Why me? What had I done? Why wouldn’t God fix this? What would happen to my son? What would happen to my life? And then I watched as ³Some Pharisees came to him, and to test him they asked, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause?’ I perked up because the d-word was used and yet I immediately felt out of place – I didn’t want my divorce. It was being done to me.

⁴He answered, ‘Have you not read that the one who made them at the beginning “made them male and female”, ⁵and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? ⁶So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.’ “O Jesus,” I whispered, “I have read. I’ve read and prayed and cried. What if one separates anyway? What if, I was even coming to realize, this was not a good marriage?”

⁷They said to him, ‘Why then did Moses command us to give a certificate of dismissal and to divorce her?’ ⁸He said to them, ‘It was because you were so hard-hearted that Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but at the beginning it was not so. ⁹And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another commits adultery.’ “So am I doomed? She hasn’t slept with anyone else but wants out. I don’t feel “hard-hearted” – I feel crushed. I was just a kid – 21-years-old when I got married. Has that one bad choice sealed my fate? Besides, this feels lopsided only speaking about what men can do. “And . . .” I was interrupted – apparently other followers were also listening.

¹⁰His disciples said to him, ‘If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.’ ¹¹But he said to them, ‘Not everyone can accept this teaching, but only those to whom it is given. ¹²For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.’ ~ Matthew 19:3-12

I’ve pondered this conversation a lot since then. I’ve cried over it, beat myself with it, argued with Jesus about it, and even wrapped myself in it to try and keep warm. A couple of weeks ago I spoke about reading the Bible with a human face – and today, I, along with others of you, am one of those faces. But you are my community and know that I love God and that I desire to be faithful to God’s Word – to read both the Word and my life faithfully as a follower of Jesus. So here is my attempt at that. What does Jesus want to say to us about how to read the Scriptures, the Old Testament, concerning marriage and divorce?

          1.     Marriage wasn’t made to be broken.

The Pharisees want to talk about rules. They want pragmatics, the simplicity of a regulation that arbitrates blame, innocence, and outcome. Jesus, however, wants to remind them what’s behind the law – God’s original intent, disclosed in the creation story (Genesis 1-3). They want rules, a way to play the game; Jesus wants to remind them of a purpose – a beautiful story of what God intended – to go back to the beginning so that we could learn how the world was supposed to work (e.g. gender equality, for example). He wants us to see what God has done to bring life while they want to stand over loves’ carcass and dicker over who gets what. They wanted him to choose sides in the debate of the time – the proper reasons a man can lawfully divorce his wife. The school of Shammai said that only those things related to unchastity or sexual immodesty were proper grounds for divorce while the school of Hillel said that a husband might divorce his wife for “anything” as trivial as spoiling dinner. Jesus, however, doesn’t want to play. In fact, I get the sense that Jesus doesn’t like to be “tested” ("tested" is that Biblical discussion that’s not aimed for anyone’s good) – and he surely doesn’t like anyone adding words to the text that aren’t there – the Pharisees argue that Moses “commanded” (19:7) divorce and Jesus rightly reminds them that he “permitted” it (19:8).

But even if divorce is permissible, Jesus reasons, that doesn’t make it good. So now we enter into that important, difficult, and tragic discussion about sin. And I think that Jesus’ reference to the creation story rather than the law is an important one. Jesus’ reminds us that sin is not so much a broken rule but a broken story – a tragic splintering of God's intended relationships: with God, others, ourselves, and all of creation. So I am going to say something now that I suspect might surprise many of you who know me and my story as one who has both divorced and remarried – divorce is sinful. The problem, however, is not that we don’t understand the complex nuances of that word “divorce” but that we too narrowly define that word “sin.” Sin is that tragic brokenness that was not God’s intent – it is that dissolution which was not part of the design. But our evangelical world wants to frame sin in very simplistic ways like “rebellion” and focus on fault, which, ironically, is also in the creation story as an example of what Adam and Eve do. Blame makes sin about rule breaking. Jesus, however, appears to be making a more profound point – Divorce is a sin because marriage wasn’t created for this. Divorce is a sin because, even if you’re not at fault, it wasn’t made to be broken. And if you’ve been divorced or if you are a child of divorce, or have been in a marriage that rightfully had to end because of real neglect or violent and verbal abuse  – you know full well, neither innocence nor rules save you from the horrible pain of its breaking. That’s what I mean by acknowledging its sinfulness. It’s the recognition that God intended for us something much better and who’s at fault fails to solve the problem.

But the story from Genesis is not so much about the institution of marriage but about the creation of men and women in the image of God. And we know what happens – that it’s not the relationship of marriage that gets broken per se but that people become broken. A broken marriage is a sin NOT because the institution is threatened but because God made us to be whole and to delight in wholesome, intimate relationships. We weren’t made to fail each other. 

Jesus point is that in a broken world we should go back to the beginning to remind us about who we were made to be and also who God is. In choosing these texts, it is interesting that Jesus stresses God’s intent and action in defining for us what makes us well and whole – two becoming one, joined. Our joining in unity – a community of mutual love and respect– was to reflect on who God is. This stress upon the “image of God” - might clue us into why Jesus speaks so strongly about divorce.

In the prophetic tradition of the Old Testament (Jeremiah 3, Isaiah 54, Malachi 2, Ezekiel 16, and Hosea), the prophets will deepen the Old Testament’s understanding of God’s covenantal bond by speaking of God’s faithfulness to Israel as a marriage bond, emphasizing God’s grace and lifelong faithfulness despite Israel’s infidelity. I wonder if Jesus speaks so strongly about divorce NOT because he is reinstituting a rigorous bit of case law for us but because he is trying to remind us something fundamental about God. Our sin [adultery] will not destroy God’s covenant faithfulness nor will it have the final word over our fate. Jesus, in other words, is not setting up some rule to be followed at all cost but attempting to illuminate a fundamental character of God. God made us for love and healthy relationships, marriage wasn’t made to be broken, we were meant to reflect God’s faithfulness, but even when we don’t – God will not cease being faithful to us.

But what happens if marriage breaks?

          2.     Jesus provides a place for those who can’t.

There is a certain irony or tension in Jesus’ teaching on marriage, divorce, and celibacy. On the one hand, there is an undeniable fierce kingdom ethic, an ideal that grounds itself firmly in God’s design and character which understands that marriage was made to be an indissovable union that reflects God’s faithful love toward us. But, even as he offers this teaching, challenging the Pharisees’ sole reliance upon Deuteronomy 24 due to their “hard-heartedness.” He also offers three explicit exceptions in this passage related to divorce and remarriage: “except for sexual immorality” (19:9); “not everyone can accept this word . . .” (19:11); and “let the one who is able to accept this accept it” (19:12).

Now I want to point to a bit of NT 101 which is important. Most scholars argue that the earliest gospel is the Gospel of Mark, referred to as “Markan priority.” The basic point is that the writers of Matthew and Luke borrowed heavily from Mark in their own constructions. This is important because our text in Matthew also exists in Mark and comes across in a more strident way with no exception, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”~ Mark 10:11-12.

So Matthew is doing something quite helpful - Matthew is interpreting Jesus for us and we should listen to him. We should always pay attention to places where the Bible interprets itself. Matthew is telling us that Jesus’ position was not a general statement applying to every case, and that the exceptions, the human elements of a broken world, should be acknowledged and wrestled with before applying the principle. And what do we make of the first exception?

What does Matthew mean by “sexual immorality” [porneia]? The term could refer to an array of illicit sexual activity and was not the specific word for “adultery”. The point here is that Matthew intentionally uses a broad, general term which could refer to a range of sexual improprieties which, then, allow for remarriage. We’ve already noted that divorce is bad because marriage was not intended to be broken. However, there is also an implicit moral logic in the text and the creation story that divorce and remarriage might be permitted because God loves us and made us for something more than betrayal, neglect, unfaithfulness, or abuse. And if in these remarks you here a wider space of concessions for divorce that are not explicitly mentioned in the text – well, as a servant of Jesus Christ who looks back at what God intended, that is what I am saying. But always remember that it is often a terrible concession. And for those of you even considering leaving your spouse, remember this – God didn’t make you to leave. God made you to be faithful. God made you to “cling,” Genesis reminds us.

There is also an interesting irony in Jesus’ use of the eunuch, it seems to me, apart from Jesus’ more specific point about celibacy. For Jesus’ audience the language and person of the eunuch would have been quite shocking. A eunuch was someone who, often without his consent, was castrated for some purpose. More importantly, the law clearly stipulated that a eunuch could not become part of the people of God (Deut. 23:1). Despite this, Jesus chose to use such a person as one who follows him “for the sake of the kingdom” (19:12). So there is this odd rub of a challenging ethic coupled with the inclusion and praise of the despised and excluded.

Jesus also uses this very interesting concession: “only to those to whom it has been given” and later “to those who can accept it.” His other teachings, such as forsaking possessions or family to follow him, never include such a qualification. It would seem then that he means that this particular teaching is only for some disciples and not for all while at the same time including those outside of God’s law as his own disciples.

So today, mindful of God’s intent for your life, having been reminded of God’s design for us as image bearers who have been broken by sin – sin not always of our own making, I want to include you as well. Hope and healing can be found. How? Because Jesus himself goes back to the very beginning. I love this picture - it's my favorite. It comes from Chora Church in Istanbul and reflects Jesus' resurrection and redemption of fallen humanity by showing him pulling Adam and Eve out of their graves. He goes back to the beginning to make things right!

Are you divorced? Remarried? Struggling in a difficult marriage? You are welcome here. More than that, you are invited to participate, to pray, to serve, to join, to find healing and hope. O make no mistake, you must allow your own personal story to be judged by the Genesis story of God’s good intent for your life. And this may demand a call to repentance - God knows I had much to repent of myself – but divorce does not place you outside the kingdom’s call. So come and receive the wholeness and healing of a redeemed story today. Let Jesus take you by the hand and lift you up from the grave. Let anyone who can accept this accept this. Amen.